One of the most famous prophets of doom of all time was Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus (1503-1566). Supported by the patronage of the French queen Catherine de Médicis, he wrote numerous verses predicting the downfall of her great rival, Elizabeth I of England.
Obviously these predictions didn’t pan out and common opinion is now that he was so ambiguous in his statements that one could attribute anything you want to his hokey outbursts. Ever since his death his followers have continued to reinterpret his writings, reading into them predictions of calamitous events such as the great London fire of 1666, the rise of Adolf Hitler, the Iranian revolution of 1979, and the events of September 11, 2001. Some of his more zealous fans have even gone to the effort of penning new, more specific verses, after such events have already occurred, and attributing the ‘predictions’ to him. The crop-circle faking, foil-hat wearing tossers.
He couldn’t predict Nick and Jessica splitting up though. No-one could have seen that coming.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, three long, gruelling months of…
…Have led to this:
THE X FACTOR SEMI-FINAL.
Subject: Re: Badger Movie Treatment
To: Joel Jessup ( firstname.lastname@example.org )
From: Tara Ampersand (email@example.com)
OK Joel, here’s some of my initial thoughts on your treatment for Badger The Movie . Weebl’s notes are in italics.
So, make script be good now!
Welcome, one and all, to me island in de sun. A beautiful vista enraptures even the weariest of eyes and all that can be seen from shore to horizon is sun, sea, sand and HAAAAAAATE.
Welcome, then, to Celebrity Hate Island. From our secret underground bunker I have brought together the créme of talent in the form of Skoo, Myself, Log, Ash and enchating front page newcomer and all-round girl, Anifer. She LITERALLY has boobs. Saying that, most of the boys do too to some degree.
I have gathered this venom-filled clan to liberate us from the bloated and fetid celebrity pool in which we flounder. We will strive to highlight for you, the most common of punters, just who is REALLY taking this piss and milking their status to the hilt. Yes I'm very well aware that even this kind of lampooning gives these halfbreed bottom feeders a degree of exposure, but you've got to break a few eggs before you can punch Kate Moss, or however the saying goes.
If you've resorted to watching internet cartoons about talking eggs for your entertainment (hint: you have) you will no doubt agree that television has become stale. In a selfless attempt to replenish the once-great font of entertainment that is British TV, I have spent the last few years emailing the BBC and Channel 4 on a daily basis with groundbreaking new show ideas. Curiously, replies became increasingly hostile and eventually tailed off completely after the first few weeks. Fear not, I don't let that stop me. Ungrateful as they may be, I know they're listening very closely, probably all huddled around a computer feverishly refreshing their inbox for the next nugget of programming wisdom I deign to send their way.
You want proof? In early August of this year I suggested that the Channel 4 news needed spicing up, and just a couple of weeks later - bam! - hurricane Katrina puts not only black people, but poor black people all over the news. Exotic! Back in April 2004 I pointed out to the BBC that there aren't nearly enough annoying comedians presenting dancing related shows on digital-only channels, a month later - what's this? - Justin Lee Collins gets the gig fronting BBC3's companion show to Strictly Come Dancing.
That's right: they're listening. I have clout. I have influence.
Alas, despite my best efforts, these small victories are but tiny splashes in an endless sea of TV dreck. My work is still to be done, and I will not rest until we can once again be proud of British TV. Here I present a brief taster of a few of the shows I will be pitching to TV stations in the coming weeks.
Steeds will be beheld. Verily.
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