If there's one thing I understand, it's celebrities. They're basically the same as plumbers except relatively worthless, grossly overpaid and generally much more willing to be seen at night (Note: I also understand plumbers rather well). In this exciting age of exciting excitement, you have to keep up with the world of celebrity (or the celebrosphere, as Newton liked to call it) like a Turkish hypochondriac keeps up with local chicken activity. Inbility to converse on demand about even the most worthless of today's stars leaves you at high risk of devastating social embarrassment, and the resultant ostracism that monsters like you so clearly deserve. But wait, monster, don't leave now! This handy update will equip you with all the tools you need to survive any celebrity conversation you're likely to face. Of course, all these facts will become obsolete by, say, Thursday, so be sure to keep your ear to the ground. Rest your horrible, gnarled, monster ear on the cold, oily ground of the celebrosphere.
- Breaking news! Filly Munts of formula-embracing girl band sensation Schlags was spotted in Tesco yesterday, doing her shopping! She didn't have any makeup on! Christ, what a mess! She should have just ordered from Tesco online, the rank cow. Sure, they think a tin of beans is an appropriate "substitution" for a bottle of ketchup, but at least people don't see you shopping.
- The Liberal Democrats are choosing a new leader! Fully aware that they aren't going to be winning a general election by merit of policy or legitimate political ability, the party have decided to choose contenders from the world of celebrity. The shortlist currently includes:
- Ralph Fiennes - As everybody who saw The Constant Gardener and cannot distinguish between an actor and a character knows, Fiennes is the woolliest Guardian-reading tree-hugging liberal you could ever hope to elect. Sadly, his success is rather questionable because more people saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire than The Constant Gardener, and way more of those people are old enough to vote than you would hope. Also, his name is pronounced "Rayph". Rayph, Rayph, Rayph.
- Kevin Stump - Of the four members of top dull indie rock combo Gruelfilment invited to run for leader, Stump was by far the only one that responded. Like Whitney Houston, Stump believes that children are the future, but after recently seeing Mad Max he's not so sure the future is a goal we should be aiming for at this time. His policies centre around being tough on children and tough on the causes of children.
- Sally Couch - The sexy presenter of Sky 3's smash-hit home-improvement programme Supermegahomesquad, famed for never wearing hats, intends to run a campaign based entirely around the goal of changing the leather in the House of Commons from green to red. She feels that red would be 'funky' and create a 'really cool vibe'.
- Steve Martin - He'll do anything and you'll all bloody watch it. Or vote for it. Martin says that when (or, arguably, if) he wins the race he'll choose Queen Latifah as his shadow chancellor to "'tude up" the cabinet. When pressed for comment, Latifah remained elusive as always, offering hungry journalists only a cursory "Oh no you didn't".
- Sir Menzies Campbell - One word: eye candy
Rayph: Major ideology change on the cards.
- Hold the middle pages! Hunky Terry Bark of the R&B/polka crossover boy band sensation Boyz4U was spotted in Dixons looking at digital radios! Maybe he wants something to hear the band's hot new ballad Sofa Burn on! Dr "Foxy" Fox is already hailing it as the new You Are Proper Buff, Love.
- Chris Eubank has been confirmed as a guest in the next series of *Celebrity Punching Triangle*, heralding objections from some critics that introducing a man from a heavily punching-oriented background into the triangle "crosses the line". Supporters, however, have pointed out that Eubank has quirky dress sense and has really weird opinions, which makes him inherently entertaining and not at all creepy. Eubank is set to share the triangle with Kerry Rench from Stranger Danger and Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran.
Eubank: Thinks he is genuinely the King of Burgers.
- It's week 34 in the Celebrity Surveillance Freakshow house and Dane Bowers still can't keep "Rodimus Prime" in his pants or out of Carol "slag" Smillie's uncanny valley. Viewers who stayed up to watch the 24-hour live coverage on MoreFriends last night got to see a tantalising glimpse of Robert Kilroy-Silk and Mariella "turnip smuggler" Frostrup beginning the Satanic ritual that Mike Skinner came up with in the Jacuzzi before those Endemol bastards switched the stream to a feed of John "barmy" Barnes sleeping. Then all the viewers switched over to MoreFriends +1 to see the same thing an hour later. Back in the outside world, everyone continues to question why Darryl Strawberry is in there, given that he has plenty of cash and nothing to promote. Yesterday The Sun's Malorie Coupón claimed in her weekly column, "Think What I Think" that Strawberry just entered the house for free warmth because his boiler at home broke down and the gas company were on strike.
- This week, known fool and marmalade-mogul Prince Charles said something vaguely inappropriate and we are all acting shocked. It's a bloody good thing he's royalty, because "Posh old man not politically correct" doesn't make a great headline on its own. Ooh, Maybe we can mention Princess Di! Look, I just did.
- Stop the presses, or whatever the internet equivalent is! Victoria "Pestilent Spice" Beckham was just spotted on Oxford Street, carrying a BHS bag. Haha, she shops at BHS like a normal person! She should be shopping at Harvey Nichols with her own kind, the bint. And guess who wasn't with her, hmm? That's right, David Beckham! Trouble in paradise? Yes, almost certainly.
Beckham: I am 99% sure you didn't buy this album.
Consider yourself 'in the know'.