One of the most famous prophets of doom of all time was Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus (1503-1566). Supported by the patronage of the French queen Catherine de Médicis, he wrote numerous verses predicting the downfall of her great rival, Elizabeth I of England.
Obviously these predictions didn’t pan out and common opinion is now that he was so ambiguous in his statements that one could attribute anything you want to his hokey outbursts. Ever since his death his followers have continued to reinterpret his writings, reading into them predictions of calamitous events such as the great London fire of 1666, the rise of Adolf Hitler, the Iranian revolution of 1979, and the events of September 11, 2001. Some of his more zealous fans have even gone to the effort of penning new, more specific verses, after such events have already occurred, and attributing the ‘predictions’ to him. The crop-circle faking, foil-hat wearing tossers.
He couldn’t predict Nick and Jessica splitting up though. No-one could have seen that coming.
But who wants to trust the predictions of some tosser who died aaaaages ago? Not me! You know who I trust? ME, thats who. And you should too, because after a dramatic incident involving an electrified fence, a drugged otter and a length of rubber tubing, I too have been blessed with the ability to predict the end of the world.
And I love it.
Bring on the apocalypse I say! PROVE ME RIGHT!
Prediction one: During Children in Need 2008, Cilla Black, Lesley Joseph and Linda Robson perform a piece of interpretive dance based on the life and times of the recently deceased Paul MacCartney. During the climatic scene in which Cilla vigorously swings a wooden leg over her head, the kitten mule from said leg flies off and clouts an unsuspecting Gaby Roslin. This results in an uncensored exchage between Black and Roslin, culminating in Cilla branding her antagonist a “Cockgobbling Nazi poster slut.”
Germany takes enormous offence and through the media, launches a campaign to have any mention of the wars eradicated from history, along with making any mention of it in the future expressly verboten.
Unfortunately several months later, ‘It’s a Royal Knockout!’ is recommissioned for ITV27 and during a post-game chat with Stuart Hall, Prince Philip describes his victory to be ‘On the same level as us twatting the shit out of those hun tosspots.’ Germany launches a volley of attacks on the United Kingdom, decimating all major cities, starting with Middlebrough. President Bush, who is still in the White House after locking the door and refusing to come out for the past several months, misreads the report titled ‘UK as flat as Kiera Knightley’s tits’ as the US being the country affected.
Contrary to what you might think, Bush does not push the button. Armageddon is in fact brough about by an England flipping over in such a manner as bars did in the days of prohibition days to reveal a new and perfectly usable country for the huddled survivors. Sadly, this causes a wave of enormous magnitude to circle the Earth destrying everything in its path, finally returning to sink England.
I forsee the world shall not end with a bang, nor a whimper but a kind of en masse tut.
The nature of time is like a slippery bubble viewed from the inside out. This analogy is absurd enough to allow me to claim that the previous prediction may or may not happen. Thats ok though, because I have another one! And this one really will happen ok?
Prediction two: In March 2009, there will be a royal tour of King’s Cross train station, riding on the back of the Queen’s critically acclaimed cameo in ‘Harry Potter and the womb of despair’. Recently readmitted to the family, Sarah Ferguson goads the Queen into attempting to cross though platform 9 3/4, which the Queen attempts to do at full pelt.
In her resultant unconcious stupor, her royal madge was presented with a dream too vivid to be untrue. In it she was confronted by a horde of the shambling undead, fronted by none other than Diana, princess of Wales. The dream abruptly ended when the Diana hurled a landmine into the fray, shocking the Queen back into consciousness. Incensed by her behaviour even after more than a decade of decay, the Queen declares war on the afterlife.
The Most Haunted Hallowe’en live event is tragically marked by the televised execution of Derek Acorah, who does actually turn out to be a witch and has to be recaptured after turning himself into a tiny vole and scampering off. This return to the days of Salem-style burnings and mass hysteria is accelerated by the ever-sadistic media, and rioting and murder become commonplace. Major cities are looted and deserted and 86% of the world’s population is dead by 2012. Yvette fielding has thus far evaded capture after being named Most Wanted by the BAAAAA (Bureau of Afterlife Affairs and Apparition Activity Alliance) makes a frantic televised plea to those who can hear it to stop this madness, and anyway the Queen is dead now and she started it so the whole thing is faintly absurd.
Unfortunately for Yvette, the signal is tracked and the whole of humanity unites to see her burned, ironically, on LivingTV. At the 11th hour an apparition of Diana appears on screen, causing Yvette to freak out in time honoured fashion. Angered by such a reaction to her once-beautiful visage, Diana fulfills her role as goddess of war and claims the lives of the remaining survivors by chucking stuff about and things, like ghosts do. Fielding remains smug.
So there you have it. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, fun to funky. It is a pitiable future for all of us. Except for me. I’m going to tell the Queen about all of this and therefore become a modern day Nostradamus. This will mean free food and a possible xbox360 because that will help me make predictions.
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